Month: March 2010

Today @ The Gathering: I Will Serve a Noble Cause (or wander aimlessly through life, bored, broken, beat-up and bitter)

You have two choices in life, it seems to me: one, be a taker, the other, be a giver.

The takers are easy to spot.  We’ve seen them, been abused by them; some of us are even married to them: people who just seem to wander aimlessly through life, taking what they need without regard to why they need it, or without the feeling to give anything back.

In this series, we’ve been talking about living beyond the level of mediocrity.  It’s at this point that mediocrity becomes easy to spot and well-defined.  The person who is a taker, self-centered, selfish, and makes life all about them will always live somewhere in the mediocre middle. They never awaken to the fact that life is a gift, that our Creator created us in His image so like Him, we could make something of our lives.

Anyone who understands a life well-lived, understands that generosity is at the core.  People who are generous succeed.  As I’ve said many times, life severely punishes the lazy but lavishly rewards the diligent.  The diligent are those who get up and pour into life, who give of their time, talents and treasures to make something of themselves; to connect to other people who are making something of themselves.  The only question that the giver has is, “What is my noble cause?”

A noble cause can be defined this way:  A noble cause is anything whose motivation is love and whose ultimate mission is freedom.

Two things I’ve found to be true in my life and the lives of others are: love is the power that truly sets you free and, once you’re set free by love, life begins to expand and open up limitless possibilities on how you too can love others for the purpose of setting them free. Free from what, you might ask?  Well certainly political freedom is important.  Financial freedom seems to be essential.  But I am talking about a freedom at the core of our soul where we’re set free from fear, doubt, and the dread that life has no meaning.

This morning we talked about the importance of the four loves.  These four loves are so important, I think you need to download the podcast, and listen to the mp3 here online to really understand what it means to express the four loves.  Remember what we talked about: the love of self for self’s sake, the love of God for self’s sake, the love of God for God’s sake, and the love of self for God’s sake.

We also talked about the three freedoms, and there have to be three.  Just like a milk stool needs three legs to stand up, freedom needs three important understandings to truly be freedom.

  1. There is the freedom from.  Freedom from fear, bondage, the overwhelming feeling that my life doesn’t matter, that my life is aimless, that my existence is random, that there is no such thing as good or evil, right or wrong, or a future toward which I can aspire.
  2. The freedom under.  Jesus said his primary mission was to come and set us free.  But once He sets us free, that freedom is protected by living a life under His authority and lordship.  When you go out in the rain, you put up your umbrella, and it’s under the umbrella where you stay dry and safe from the elements.  A freedom from must also be a freedom under.  A freedom from fear is only possible when you live with the freedom under the authority of Jesus Christ.  You love Him, obey Him, and serve Him with all your heart and soul.
  3. The freedom to.  The freedom to be all God had in mind when He created you to live up to your destiny and design, to make something of your life, your relationships, your gifts, and your talents.

We ended with the Renegade mantra: Live free, have fun, change the world. This is what all of us crave and what we blossom under when we live it out every day.

Make sure you join us next week for Easter as we begin a brand new series called HOW: Learning how to close the gap between belief and behavior. During this series we’ll give you practical steps on how to put feet on your faith.  Also be sure to sign up for our Gathering 4 Guys beginning April 6th.  I announced today where we’ll be meeting.  And also check out our “Making Marriage Fun Again” web site and register for this live event on April 30th, just a little over a month away.

Number One Reason Why Marriages in America Break Up

Marriage in America is in trouble because Americans don’t seem to know what it takes to be married over a lifetime.

We’re great at getting married.  As a matter of fact, television is filled with shows about picking out dresses, and getting married, and brides gone wild, and a thousand other variations on the whole “getting married” idea.  Few of us really understand what it takes to be married over a lifetime.

There are a lot of symptoms that people point to for the reasons marriages break up.  My good friend Dave Ramsey says that the number one reason marriages break up in America is over money fights and disagreements.  And with my experience counseling with couples I would tend to agree with that.

But I hear other experts talk about sexual infidelity, lack of communication, lack of shared values, and other important issues.

But if you take all of those symptoms (money fights, sexual infidelity, lack of communication) and really look at them closely, here is the conclusion, at least, I’ve come to.  The number one reason why marriages  in America break up is because you’re not on the same page.

Have you ever heard that phrase?  Maybe it’s at work and you say, “You know we’re really not on the same page here on this project.”  It’s true also in sports.  Football has a playbook.  You run the plays.  You have to be on the same page to run the same plays.  The truth of the matter is, that’s true in all  relationships.

The question is, how do you get on the same page and stay on the same page? That’s equally as important because once you get on the same page, it’s work to stay there over a lifetime.

Ask yourself these questions:  If you and your spouse were on the same page, would you be talking more?  Would you be laughing more?  Would you have more money if you were on the same page when it comes to your finances and particularly your philosophy of debt?

How about parenting?  Wouldn’t that be easier, better, more productive if you were on the same page?  We all know that children love dividing parents and pitting them against one another.  How can they do that?  You’re not on the same page.

One of the things Paula and I worked hard at on our “Making Marriage Fun Again” Live Event, is to help people get on the same page and know how to stay on the same page.  Really that’s the key to an amazing marriage: getting and staying on the same page.  Here is our promise for those who attend our “Making Marriage Fun Again” Live Events.  We guarantee that before you leave this event, you and your spouse will be on the same page. Staying on the same page afterward will be up to you.  But you will have new tools and motivations to make it happen.

Women Aren’t Worth as Much as Men?

Often I hear people longing for the good old days; days in which the internet, global commerce, and economic downturn were just ideas and concepts we studied in school.  And while I agree, there are some things in the past that we’ve lost that we should have kept, there are an awful lot of things that are dead and gone, or are they?

For several generations in this country there was an unwritten law.  And that is that men were somehow worth more than women.  Men were stronger, smarter, could handle pressure, and a thousand other things better than women; that women were somehow inferior, but necessary especially when it comes to sex.

Fast-forward to the modern day with the rise of porn and masturbation, sex is now something that you can do by yourself, alone.  One of the saddest pictures of the 21st century man is as a figure hunched over a computer screen making love to himself.  How sick, and how sad.

But one of the things that has changed for the better is that we have come to understand how valuable women are, that even in the military in combat, women can indeed perform equally well and in some cases, far superior to their male counterparts.  Yea ladies!

While attitudes and opinions have changed, here’s what doesn’t seem to have changed much: and that is the innate belief within women that they are not worth as much as a man.

How do I know that?  I see it constantly in one supreme compromise that women in America are making and for which they’re paying a heavy price.  What is it?  Sex outside of marriage; cohabitation with the promise one day of marriage, but no commitment by the man.

Why is it that good, smart, beautiful, strong women believe in their heart that they are so inferior to men that they are willing to trade their bodies; their beauty, femininity, the sacredness of who they are as God created them to gratify the sexual appetite and fantasies of a man not worthy to carry their shoes?

If the title of this blog offended you, good!  Then you get it!  But ladies – single, married, divorced – stay out of bed!  Kick the guy out.  Tell him to move out if you’re giving away one of the most precious things you have (your sexuality) to gratify a man who will never commit to you as you deserve.  Kick him out.  Hold yourself to a higher standard. You might be amazed at what happens.

Today @ The Gathering: I Will Live Courageously (Why it’s always right to do right)

Sometimes we think we are the only ones who live in a world where we constantly face fear, frustration, and futility.  But nothing could be further from the truth.

There is no way to grow out of the need to respond to the challenges of life, to compromise, do wrong, or demean ourselves.  It’s a challenge, a temptation every day; a challenge that requires courage – everyday courage – the courage that you must have to be who you were created to be.

To illustrate this kind of everyday courage, we looked at the life of Joshua today; that great leader in training, a guy who for forty years stood in the shadow of the greatest leader ever known.  And yet the day came; the phone call that he had dreaded: Moses was dead.  You are now the president, the CEO, the leader.  All of a sudden the leader’s job looked more daunting and terrifying than it had the day before.

Isn’t it true about life?  It’s easy to look at people, to criticize and bring commentary on the way they live their lives and make decisions.  But when it’s you or me in the cross hairs of leadership it’s a whole other story.  Today we talked about courage in three ways.

  1. Sometimes you need the courage it takes to line up. By that I mean to actually get up and get into the game.  It’s easy to criticize the football team or the basketball team or those who are doing their best when you are a spectator.  But it’s when you become not just a participant but the one who leads the action, who’s responsible for the outcome, that life becomes a whole different thing. You were created to suit up, show up, and do the next right thing.  Why has God gone to all the trouble it’s taken to create you, to give you birth and sustain your life if He didn’t have something very important and strategic for you to do?  Question:  Are you lining up?  Are you on the playing field, suited up, ready to go?
  2. Courage requires that we look up. If you look within or around or behind, you’ll be dismayed.  But if you look up, you’ll be inspired.  God is with us.  The Scriptures tell us He will never leave us or forsake us.  As He promised to be with Moses, so He promised to be with Joshua, so He promises to be with each one of us if we open our hearts and invite Him in.
  3. At all times courage means that we listen up. We need to listen to what God says is right and wrong.  We often think we need to hear the voice of God when in truth we’ve already heard it.  We have Ten Commandments, many promises, and even warnings; things to stay away from, things that God hates, and things that God loves.  And the truth is, if we obey Him, if we listen to His word, and we line up our lives behind His truth, and look up to Him for divine help and strength, the Scriptures promise that our life will be a success.

If you feel like a failure, if you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere, if you feel like God is a million miles away, maybe you need to line up, look up, and listen up.  Just these three simple decisions could save your life forever.

Tomorrow @ The Gathering We’re Going to Talk About Where You Get Your Courage and What to Do With It Once You Get It

We live in days that can shake the faith of even the strongest among us.  And what we need today more than anything else as we face this brave new world that is evolving into existence around us, is courage; not certainty, not clarity, not even a risk-free existence, but courage.

Tomorrow @ The Gathering we’re going to be talking about courage: where you find it, how you get it, how you show it, and what you do when you’ve lost it.  Maybe you know someone who is overwhelmed by their fears.  They’ve lost their job or their will.  They’ve been downsized or a thousand different things that happen to real people in the real world.  We’re going to, right out of the Scriptures, show how in the real world today, you can find the courage you need to face whatever you’re going through.

As I’ve said before, excellence is defined in four ways: doing the best you can, where you are, with what you have, in the time allotted. We’re dealing with the second definition – “where you are.”

Where you are is maybe not where you want to be.  It’s certainly not where you’re going to be in the days ahead.  But the journey from here to there is going to be determined by what you do in these moments.  And what you do in these moments of transition and change will be determined by the courage you’re able to muster up to take purposeful, meaningful, and fruitful action even at a place where you think the earth is moving beneath your feet.

If there is someone you care about that you want to help, reach out.  Ask them to meet you either at 9:00 or 10:30 at the theatre.  Walk in with them, get a cup of coffee, sit down, listen to the music, sit back, and drink in all the experience that this weekend has to offer for you and those you care about.  It could be the moment where everything begins to change for the better.

Also, for all the ladies out there, make sure you sign up this weekend for the Ladies Gathering coming this Tuesday evening. You can sign up and  find out all the details at TheGatheringNashville.com.  This is a night you won’t want to miss.  You want to be around good, strong, smart, caring women to know what it’s like to be a good, godly woman, filled with joy and confidence.

If You Love Your Wife, Everything Else is Fixable. If You Don’t, Nothing Matters

It is a true statement that “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, period.”

Maybe you’ve heard that.  It’s said a lot here in Tennessee.  But I’ve seen it to be true in so many lives.  Paula and I have sat across the table from famous and rich people who seem to have everything else in the world going for them, except the love of their spouse.

We’ve also sat across the table from people of modest means who seem not to have been able to accumulate a lot of this world’s toys and things that we associate with success.  And yet, from them comes a sense of serenity, confidence and joy that emanates not from a life filled with things, but a life filled with love.

Guys, here’s what I want to say to all of you out there.  If you love your wife, everything else is fixable – your career, your hopes and dreams for the future, getting another job, even getting out of the hospital and getting healthy again.

It’s like the core, the anchor of a man in a woman’s life.  If you are deeply in love with your spouse, that’s the strength around which everything you achieve outside your home has meaning.  So here is what I would say to all you guys and gals out there: work hard at making sure that you are deeply, profoundly, head-over-heels, slap-dab silly, goofy in love with your spouse.  Tell them so.  Court them, flirt with them.  Make sure everyday you send them texts and emails; ways in which they know you love them.  And out of that core, that fire, that joy, that energy will come all the success you can handle, in every way; not just in things money can buy, but all the things money can’t buy.

Do You Know the Difference Between Taking Control and Taking the Lead? (If you don’t, that just may be the source of your problem)

A couple days ago, while out on a training run, I did a video on “Get Some Guts and Take the Lead” in preparation for our “Making Marriage Fun Again” Live Event.

As I thought about it, I’ve come to understand that as the father and husband in my home, I have a role of leadership.  It’s my responsibility to take the lead. But that’s a bit different than trying to take control.

Men, if you’re trying to control your wife, I guarantee you’re miserable, because she can’t be controlled.  She cannot be dominated without being damaged.  Guys, if you’re trying to control your children, you’re miserable.  Your children can’t be dominated without being damaged.  My advice is, stop trying to get control of your family and start getting control of yourself.  After all, you are the only one over whom you have all the power.  Think about it.

None of us can choose our circumstances, what happens from day to day, or how other people will react.  But we are always in control of how we will respond.  We can be proactive to life, or reactive. Control is what we do to ourselves.  Leading is what we do for others.

To take the lead simply means that I take responsibility, that I live up to my commitments; that I live the life that will inspire my wife and my children by my example.  The only power a leader truly has over those who follow him is influence.  And the only way to gain influence is to inspire.

Men, let’s inspire greatness in our marriages, let’s inspire greatness in our children; not by trying to control them, but by taking control of our own lives and being an inspiration.  Then we’ll be an influence. And only then can we take the lead.

In that video, I encouraged men everywhere to take the lead in attending our first Live Event on April 30th.  Don’t wait for your wife to register or talk you into it. Take the lead. Take initiative.  Be the person in your family who is the first to do the right thing; to get the training, the help, and the encouragement your family is always going to need to go from good to great.

Dave Rave – Five Signs You’re Not Having Any Fun At All

daveraveIf you listen to people when they explain high-performance, super-success, or good luck, you’ll invariably hear the word “fun.”  It felt like fun.  I was having fun out there.  They’re having fun.  We’re having fun.  I wonder sometimes if we don’t underestimate how important having fun is.  As a matter of fact, if you’re not having fun at work, at home, and in your own life, something’s terribly wrong.

Here are five signs you’re not having any fun at all.  And something desperately needs to change before you break.

  1. You’re not having fun when you’re feeding off your regrets. You know what I am talking about. Those feelings about the things that didn’t happen or the things that someone did to you, or didn’t do for you that you spend most of your head-space thinking about or regretting from the past.  Regrets will kill you, separate you, destroy your marriage and your future.  You need to find a way to find forgiveness and extend it to those who’ve wounded you.
  2. You’re not having fun when you wake up and dread the day ahead. This usually happens when we get stuck in a rut of the same behaviors.  It’s easy to blame the government, blame the economy, parents, our wife, our husband, or other people.  But the truth of the matter is, if you dread the day ahead, it’s a dread you’ve created and the minute you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and make different choices, you can change the dread to something you look forward to.
  3. You’re not having fun when you’re not coming clean with your friends and your trusted advisers.  Way too many of us carry the burdens of our inner life – failures, unmet expectations, wounds – because we simply don’t have anyone to offload them to.  Often times talking about a thing is the very thing that can cleanse it.  It’s like opening a wound and letting all the infection out.  The problem is, most of us don’t have close, intimate friends we would trust with our deepest, darkest secrets.  I was interviewing a couple I am going to marry in the future and the girl said that her maid of honor was going to be a guy. I thought that was strange.  But when she said, “He’s my best friend,”  I thought, “This is bad.”  You need to be marrying your best friend, someone who can hear your heart.  You need to have  relationships.  That’s why you need a church where you serve and get connected, because you have trusted friends in your life.  You’ll never have any fun carrying around all the dirt and garbage that you’ve collected over a lifetime.
  4. You’re not having any fun when you’re overeating as a socially acceptable way to medicate your pain. Enough said.
  5. You’re not having any fun if you’re not having any sex.

I thought that would get your attention.  Let me say this.  If you’re not married, you shouldn’t be having any sex anyway.  If you’re not married and having sex, that’s a part of your problem.  You’re carrying around dread and guilt; that dirty feeling that you’ve violated yourself, and you have.

But if you’re married and your not having any sex, you’re definitely not having any fun.  What I’ve found is this: a good marriage is populated by two people who know how to love each other well.  To be good lovers to each other is important.  And that just doesn’t begin in the bedroom.  Actually, it begins in the kitchen.  It begins with building a loving relationship and it ends with an intimacy; beautiful, sexual intimacy that’s fulfilling to both partners, not just one.  I’m not talking about the porn star hanging from the chandelier, doing the dirty deed.  I’m talking about the expression of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual love in a physical act that God thought up, created, ordains, and blesses.

Can you tell I’m passionate about this whole sex thing?  The point is, if you’re married and not having any sex, you’ve got serious, serious problems and you need help before you wake up one day and either one of your “give a damns” is busted.

If you’re not having any fun, simply say today, “I won’t tolerate this anymore in my life and get it fixed.  And you know where you get it fixed?  On the inside.  You’re the key.  Make different choices, and you can have fun again.

Ladies, If You Need a Man to be Happy, You’re a Loser!

I’ll be the first to admit that I am an advocate for getting married.  While there are exceptions to every rule, and we need to honor those, I believe that the majority of men and women should be married, should want to be married, should seek a mate; someone they can make a life with.  But that having been said, if you need, if you’ve got to have a mate, if you’ve got to have a guy, if you’ve got to have a girl, if you just can’t be happy, if you’re miserable, if your life is just incomplete and you think that’s going to do it for you, you have a loser’s mentality.

Here’s the most important thing you can do if you’re looking to get married and be married happily over a lifetime.  Focus every single day on:

Number one, being happy and filled with joy. And number two, being healthy and whole, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and most of all, spiritually. Bottom line – focus on being a whole, healthy, happy, joyful person having fun.  And all of a sudden, you will begin to magnetize that same kind of person in the opposite sex.

You want a happy, healthy, joyful, fully functioning man who has a job and the where-with-all to take care of you.  And men, you want a healthy, happy, kick-butt confident woman; smart, strong, good, and compassionate.  You put those two kinds of happy, whole, healthy, joy-filled people together and you have the prescription not just for a happy marriage, but for a marriage that lives at the level of fun.