Category: The Dave Rave

Words create worlds.  They start wars.  They can bring people together or they can tear people apart.

We were born to talk; not so that we could be right, but so that we could be close.  But how hard is it to find the right words? It must be difficult because most people live alienated not so much because of their actions, but because of their words.

Here are five of the very best phrases you can use in your marriage, with your children, at work, or anyplace else.

1. “Together we can.” Say this to another person and the pressure in the room goes down dramatically.   It says that we’re in this together.  It’s not just you.  And it’s not just me.  Or it’s not me against you.  But together.  What a beautiful word.  That’s why we get married, so we can be together.  That’s why we form companies, alliances, sports teams; because we realize together we can be so much more.  Use the phrase together we can as much as you can, in any situation that you can.
2. “I would love to help.” This lets the other person know that you’re leaning forward into the relationship, that you’re motivated, that you’re engaged, that you would love to help the marriage go to the next level, you’d love to help your children reach their goals, you’d love to help collaborate to make the next project that your company launches the best success yet.
3. “Before we react, let’s take a step back and chill.” How much damage is caused by pure emotion and overreacting?  I often advise couples to not just watch how they react in the dating relationship, but how they react when things go wrong.  Almost all things said and done in the heat of the moment are the wrong things to be said and done.  Often the damage done by the emotional responses is all out of proportion to the situation and can take literally years to repair.
4. “I understand your point of view.” This is a phrase of respect.  And that’s what we owe each other isn’t it?  Particularly in relationships, in our marriage, or even in our work environment.   “I understand your point of view.” It doesn’t say that I agree, and it doesn’t say that I would come out at the same place if it were me, but I understand you, that you’re smart, intelligent, thoughtful, and I’m showing you the respect that you deserve.  And it’s amazing how willing people are to negotiate with people who they know respect them and are willing to listen to their point of view,
5. Maybe the best phrase of all that can be said, “I’m sorry.  How can I make it right?” Let’s be honest.  Conflict is inevitable whether it’s in a marriage, parenting, a work environment, a team, or just guys hanging out.  You’re going to have to say you’re sorry, but not reluctantly, and not flippantly.  But when you say, “I’m sorry.  How can I make it right?” you’re saying that you’re taking responsibility for your part in the conflict or the problem.  You’re not just showing respect, you’re saying, “I’m a person who can be trusted even when I’ve failed to deliver on what I promised.”

These are five of the best phrases you can use to bring about harmony, cooperation, and ultimate success. Use them often.  Find ways to work them into your team meetings.  Tell people that this is what you expect in your day-to-day relationships.  Even when the friction of speed, disagreement, and market forces pressure you into unhealthy ways of communication, you’ll hold true in these phrases that promote respect, honor and long-term trust.

I am overwhelmed, embarrassed, and just downright enraged by how much mediocrity I see around me.  Not only mediocrity in products, but woeful mediocrity in service after the sale.

Let me be quick to say, I don’t think anyone is mediocre.  Everyone has the capacity to be good if not great at something.  My beef is that we’ve just accepted it.  We’ve been raised in it.  We’re dripping in it, and we’re all paying a price for it.

So what is mediocre you might ask?  Well, here are five sure signs you’ve accepted mediocre as a standard for your life.

1. You are mediocre if you’re a chronic complainer. I don’t mean you can’t be observant and have an opinion.  But if all you do is whine, moan and complain about the way things are, but make no effort to make the world a better place, you’ve accepted mediocre.
2. You’re mediocre if you jump from scheme to scheme trying to get rich quick. Mediocrity breeds in the heart that has a short attention span.  Are you the kind of person who jumps from thing to thing, relationship to relationship, job to job?  It takes time to get good at anything.  As Malcolm Gladwell says in his book Outliers, it takes 10,000 hours to truly become great at any endeavor.
3. You’ve embraced mediocrity if you shift responsibility for your life to anyone other than yourself. Mediocrity loves to play the victim.  It loves to shift responsibility for the life your life is on the economy, the company, or the government.  People who get up and excel at their lives take responsibility.
4. You embrace mediocrity if you become sloppy and dirty. I know a public figure who is wildly successful.  I know him very well.  If I were to say his name you would know him right off.  I won’t say his name because I’ve observed something about him.  Everything he does reflects excellence to his business, to his environment, to his home, to his cars, to the way he treats people, to the way he dresses.  Excellence seeps into everything, evidenced by the fact that he’s neat and clean in all of his environments.Mediocre people are comfortable in filth and dirt and a chaotic environment.
5. You’ve accepted mediocre of you have no written plan for the future. I see it all the time in marriages.  They have no reason to be together other than they’ve always been together.  They see their marriage as a business contract, and a lousy one at that.  People, marriages, businesses, great companies, those who excel, those who have a written down plan, a goal worth going for, what I call a BSAD – a Big Scary Audacious Dream.  Without one, you won’t push yourself to high levels of excellence.

Now that you’ve taken my little test, how would you rate yourself?  And if you’re falling short of your own ideal, what are you going to do about it? Because you can, you know, you can become excellent the moment you choose to, and do something about it.

You would think, for a guy who has made his living for the last 38 years using words, I’d know better than to say some of the things that I say.  Hopefully I could say “I have said,” as in the past.

I am learning a little about the power of words.  Words are far more powerful than bombs and guns and cars and lightning.  Words create and destroy worlds.  Words form and shape reputations.  Words actually call into existence things that don’t exist, as in “In the beginning God created.” God spoke, and it came to be.

So think about the power of words as you talk and relate to the people who matter in your life.  And let me give you five things you should never say to anyone that matters.  Maybe I should say, “never say to anyone.”

1. Never say, “You never…” In the heat of the moment we look at a person and say, “You never do what you say you will do, you never show up, you never tell me you love me.”  Those are absolute statements from which there is no return, and no reply that isn’t painful.
2. Never say, “You always…” This is another overstatement of your emotion not intended to communicate or move the relationship or the project forward, but meant to hurt, to lay low.  And the truth of the matter is all it really does is widen the gap between you and the person you’re speaking to.
3. You should never say, “I can’t take it anymore.” C’mon, let’s be honest.  You can’t take it anymore?  Yeah, you can.  You can take a lot more than you think you can.  But “I can’t take it anymore” cuts off constructive conversation that might allow the relationship to go to a better place.
4. Never say, “You’re going to regret this.” Whatever a person has done to you that causes you to feel this much anger to say that, may very well be the thing they intended to do, and they may never regret it.  What you’re really saying is that you hope they will regret it.
5. Never say to another living human being, “You’re worthless.” Let me tell you what I know for sure, after working with people on the deepest levels for my entire life.  People already feel bad enough.  All the bravado that we send out that says “I’m rough, tough, and hard to bluff” is a mask to cover up the fact that we feel stupid, lazy, unimportant, unloved, or undesirable.  Never say, “You’re worthless.”  You almost guarantee the end of the relationship.  And that’s tough, particularly if you are working together and you depend on your livelihood from this source of employment.

Obviously there are many more things, but these are the ones that keep coming up in conversations, and I’m asking you to just say, “I will never say anything to another person that isn’t kind, good, and helpful.” My mantra for intelligent talking will be, “Be kind, be good, be helpful, or be quiet.”

In the last Dave Rave I talked about the five things you can’t be.  Well the truth is, you can be those things but you can’t afford it.  They’re too expensive.  They diminish your life and rob the world of what you have to offer.  So in contrast to that, here are the five things that you can be:

1. You can be a winner. Winning is what you were made for: making something of your life that is more than just getting by or surviving.  There are winning ways and you need to practice them.  But remember, winning doesn’t mean coming in first, or out-doing everyone else, or leaving your competitors in the dust.  Winning is based on what I call he WWONDA theory.  Win-win, or no deal, always.  The kind of winning you want is where everyone else in a relationship with you, working with you, benefitting from the service or the product you deliver, wins.  We don’t win until all the people in our circle of influence win.
2. You can be connected. Connecting is one of the most powerful things we do.  We used to call it “Networking.”  I like that word because building and maintaining strong relationships provides a safety-net.  And you need to make sure your net is working, so to speak.  What kind of connections do you need?  Strong connections to your family, strong connections to the people you work with (and in some cases for, if you haven’t already started your own business), a strong connection to the people you meet everyday because everywhere you go people are hurting and longing for a word of encouragement and hope.
3. You can be patient. Patience is not sitting around and waiting for something to happen.  Patience is what happens when the farmer gets out and tills his ground, sows his crop, weeds, nurtures, and waits for it to grow.  Patience means that I’ve done all I can do, and now it’s up to God and other forces to bring about the fruit of the good soil and the good seed that I’ve planted.  Being fretful, fearful, anxious, and worried will only kill you early.
4. You can be joyful. Every single day you have a choice.  You can either enjoy life as it comes to you, or worry about life as you think it ought to be.  You can either gather slights and hurts and become angry and bitter, or you can let things go and enjoy the miracle and the great gift of being alive.  Because one day, you won’t be.
5. You can make smart choices. One of the most difficult things about making choices, is that making bad ones doesn’t seem to be a big deal when you make them.  For example, starting to smoke cigarettes doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal.  As a matter of fact it is, believe it or not, not that pleasurable of a thing to do for most people.  The trouble is, the consequences of smoking once you’re all in come many, many years later in life, when you’re older, usually more successful with more means to enjoy life, except physical well-being.  If you’ve made a long string of stupid choices, maybe it’s because you have failed to take a long look; not just what does this choice do today, but what does it mean for me tomorrow?

Often times it is easier to know what you shouldn’t do than what you should do. As a matter of fact, there are five things that, if you can eliminate them, will go a long way toward helping you discover what to focus on. So here are the five things you can’t be if you want to be successful, make something of your life, and leave the world a better place.

1. You can’t be disrespectful. No matter who you disagree with, or who you don’t like, or what they do or say, you must always be respectful. In word, deed, in print, and verbally, you must work hard to show respect. That’s taking the high ground. And when you get a reputation for being respectful even in high-pressure situations, more and more people will lean your way.
2. You can’t be indecisive. I’ve always believed that not to decide is to decide. You will not always have perfect information for every decision. But when a decision has to be made, make it! And then make the best of it.
3. You can’t be in a hurry. Hurry corrupts and damages everything it touches. Relationships, businesses, strategies: nothing is helped when moved forward by hurry. Busy, a good busy, focused on a goal: that’s a good thing. But a bad hurry focused on a flurry of activity where people become a hindrance and a bother, rather than the reason you exist, is a destructive thing.
4. You can’t be cynical. We live in a world of cynics, people who don’t really believe in anything. They find it easier to destroy or criticize those who are out there trying to make something good of the world. The problem with cynicism is it’s like a virus. It’s easy to catch. The Scriptures tell us that bad company corrupts good character. And it is never more true than when you’re around cynical people. As a parent, my goal in life is to raise a super-confident kid in a super-cynical world. That’s your challenge in every area of your life. Do not be a cynic. Always believe in hope.
5. You can’t be alone. God created us for relationships and the more we work to grow great, lasting, loving, mutually-beneficial relationships over time, the better off we’ll be. You need them at home, at work, and in every environment.

Those are the five things you can’t afford to be. What are the five things that you ought to be? that’s next.

As I’ve said so many times, nobody marries a boring person not having fun, but most marriages end up that way. What started out as a dream of married bliss has turned into a long string of disappointments that feels more like hell than heaven.  Here are five signs you’re in married hell:

5. You never talk except to argue.

4. You don’t have sex often.  And when you do, it’s less meaningful each time.

3. You keep separate accounts for everything including money, time, and friends.

2. You’re having a hard time remembering why you got married in the first place.  What did you see in this person that made you promise to live with them for the rest of your life?

1. The number one sign you’re in married hell is that you’re not on the same page. This means you’re not on the same page when it comes to money, relationships, the children, and the future.  You’re living together in the same house alone.

When you’re going through married hell, what do you do?  Here is my best advice: you don’t stop, you don’t give up, you don’t use the “D” word, you don’t threaten.  Here’s what you do: you find a way to get back on the same page.  You were there, at least potentially or theoretically when you got married.

The number one reason why people in America lose their marriages is not money, not even adultery; it’s living a life together, alone, separate, and not on the same page.

Now is a good time to sign up for the “Making Marriage Fun Again” live event on Friday, April 30th.

It seems like people go to one of two extremes.  They either plan their lives in such a way that they’re bound to be disappointed, or they fail to plan their lives, fearing they’ll be disappointed.

Planning is a good thing.  You might say, planning is a God thing.  If there’s anything you can say about God, He has a plan.  The world is ordered, predictable.  It works within an intelligent design for a plan.

Here are five benefits of being a planner yourself:

1. Planning sees the big picture. Too often we’re so busy running from one appointment to another, going from one place to another, often all we can see is what’s in front of us rather than the bigger picture.  Planning demands that we stop, step back, and see the big picture, where we fit into it, and where we’d like to end up in it.
2. Planning generates focus. I’ve often said that once you can figure out what matters most to you, you focus on that and let everything else go by.  If there’s anything characteristic about the day in which we live, it’s all the distractions that come our way.  We live in an endless stream of voices and noise, calling us to embrace this thing or that thing, or to choose me over someone else.  Planning allows you to step back and filter out the many things that could be good, from the things that could truly be great.
3. Planning allows for pacing. If I have a plan, then all I have to do today is work today’s part of that plan.  I don’t have to do everything, go every place, go to every experience I’ve been invited to embrace.  I simply narrow my limits to the things that help me achieve my plan.
4. Planning creates innovation. Inevitably when you make a plan, you identify a problem.  Maybe that’s why a lot of people avoid planning, as planning is really identifying the problems ahead on the way to a preferred destination.  But that’s the very thing we were made for.  We’re problem-solvers.  We’re innovators.  We’re created in the image of the most creative person in the entire universe.  And when we employ that creativity to problems, we have innovation.  Without a plan, we simply adopt old methods and stale perspectives.
5. Planning leverages my limits. Maybe this is the most important part of planning.  Planning recognizes I only have so much energy and time; so many resources and talents.  I can only meaningfully embrace a few things.  Planning then allows me to neglect those things that should be neglected, and pour maximum portions of my energy, time, and attention into those areas that will give me the greatest result.

No, I don’t live to plan, but I do plan to live.  And if you want to make the most of your one and only life, you must have a plan.

Ask yourself:  What’s my mission? which answers the question, what matters most to me? What’s my vision? which answers the question, where do I want to end up? And what are my goals? which answers the question, how am I going to get there?

If you listen to people when they explain high-performance, super-success, or good luck, you’ll invariably hear the word “fun.”  It felt like fun.  I was having fun out there.  They’re having fun.  We’re having fun.  I wonder sometimes if we don’t underestimate how important having fun is.  As a matter of fact, if you’re not having fun at work, at home, and in your own life, something’s terribly wrong.

Here are five signs you’re not having any fun at all.  And something desperately needs to change before you break.

1. You’re not having fun when you’re feeding off your regrets. You know what I am talking about. Those feelings about the things that didn’t happen or the things that someone did to you, or didn’t do for you that you spend most of your head-space thinking about or regretting from the past.  Regrets will kill you, separate you, destroy your marriage and your future.  You need to find a way to find forgiveness and extend it to those who’ve wounded you.
2. You’re not having fun when you wake up and dread the day ahead. This usually happens when we get stuck in a rut of the same behaviors.  It’s easy to blame the government, blame the economy, parents, our wife, our husband, or other people.  But the truth of the matter is, if you dread the day ahead, it’s a dread you’ve created and the minute you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and make different choices, you can change the dread to something you look forward to.
3. You’re not having fun when you’re not coming clean with your friends and your trusted advisers.  Way too many of us carry the burdens of our inner life – failures, unmet expectations, wounds – because we simply don’t have anyone to offload them to.  Often times talking about a thing is the very thing that can cleanse it.  It’s like opening a wound and letting all the infection out.  The problem is, most of us don’t have close, intimate friends we would trust with our deepest, darkest secrets.  I was interviewing a couple I am going to marry in the future and the girl said that her maid of honor was going to be a guy. I thought that was strange.  But when she said, “He’s my best friend,”  I thought, “This is bad.”  You need to be marrying your best friend, someone who can hear your heart.  You need to have  relationships.  That’s why you need a church where you serve and get connected, because you have trusted friends in your life.  You’ll never have any fun carrying around all the dirt and garbage that you’ve collected over a lifetime.
4. You’re not having any fun when you’re overeating as a socially acceptable way to medicate your pain. Enough said.
5. You’re not having any fun if you’re not having any sex.

I thought that would get your attention.  Let me say this.  If you’re not married, you shouldn’t be having any sex anyway.  If you’re not married and having sex, that’s a part of your problem.  You’re carrying around dread and guilt; that dirty feeling that you’ve violated yourself, and you have.

But if you’re married and your not having any sex, you’re definitely not having any fun.  What I’ve found is this: a good marriage is populated by two people who know how to love each other well.  To be good lovers to each other is important.  And that just doesn’t begin in the bedroom.  Actually, it begins in the kitchen.  It begins with building a loving relationship and it ends with an intimacy; beautiful, sexual intimacy that’s fulfilling to both partners, not just one.  I’m not talking about the porn star hanging from the chandelier, doing the dirty deed.  I’m talking about the expression of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual love in a physical act that God thought up, created, ordains, and blesses.

Can you tell I’m passionate about this whole sex thing?  The point is, if you’re married and not having any sex, you’ve got serious, serious problems and you need help before you wake up one day and either one of your “give a damns” is busted.

If you’re not having any fun, simply say today, “I won’t tolerate this anymore in my life and get it fixed.  And you know where you get it fixed?  On the inside.  You’re the key.  Make different choices, and you can have fun again.

All of us are on a roller-coaster ride of change.  The world is transitioning.  It’s not just a bad economy; it’s a new economy. It’s not just the loss of jobs; it’s the loss of sectors and segments of services and products.  How do we respond to this current chaos creatively?

One of the ways is to stay teachable. And yet the very challenge in times of crisis and change is to actually be open and learn something new, to re-enter your world at a new place, to recognize that there are still major opportunities, new products and services to be discovered and offered that no one dreamed of even five years ago.

Those who are going to be leading the way in the new wave of wealth-creation in the years ahead  will be those who are teachable.  The question is, are you?  Here are seven signs that you and your staff are not teachable.

1. You don’t read, and you brag about it.
2. You won’t listen to the insight of other significant people in your life.  You dismiss them as negative and disloyal.
3. You reject change even when the signs point to the fact that you will die if you continue on this course of action.
4. You turn preferences into principles.
5. Your fear of failure overrides the need to change while you still can.
6. You’re still nursing old slights and wrongs done to you by people both inside and outside of your movement, organization, and family.
7. Your conversation is more about the past and the achievements and glory that you enjoyed rather than conversations of faith and vision about the hopes and dreams of the future and the things that can be accomplished.

You could probably add to this list.  But sit down with your wife , your family, or your staff and walk through these seven and ask yourself, “Do any of these apply to us?”  And if they do, “how can we change and become teachable in this brand new, wall-less, wireless world in which we live?”

Welcome to the future!  It’s here, and it waits on no one.  I hope you’ve made plans to enter this decade differently, to use what you’ve learned, to be smarter, wiser, and more focused on what matters.

To help me focus into the New Year and decade, to help me target my energy (which is a limited resource), I’ve made these seven resolutions and I offer them to you.

1. I resolve to talk less and listen more. Is it a coincidence God gave us two ears and one mouth?  We are told in the sacred Scriptures to be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Most of the things that have gotten me into trouble in my life have been speaking way too much, particularly when I should have been listening.
2. I resolve to fear less and live more. I am going to cut out the phrase, “I’m afraid.”  I’m going to speak positive, faith-inspiring words in my life.  I’m not going to give into self-doubt and worry when I know I’m going to operate on the method of the philosophy that I’m going to go until I get a “no.”
3. I resolve to consume less and create more. Created in the image of God who is the Creator, I am put on this planet to make something of the world as I find it.  And in doing so, I honor the God who created me and I advance the good.
4. I resolve to complain less and thank more. Gratitude is the key to generosity, and generosity is the key to abundance.  I’m going to focus on the good things.  I will not become a cynic, and I will not take my blessings for granted.
5. I resolve to worry less and wait more. By that I mean I am going to wait and see how things develop instead of jumping to conclusions and overreacting.  Your first response is almost always the wrong one because it’s laden with emotion.
6. I resolve to tolerate less and ask for more. I’m going to tolerate less of life the way it is, rather than the way it ought to be.  I’m going to ask God for more faith, for more of the ability to take action, to take control of my life, to understand the things that I do that only I can control, and the things only God can control; and to celebrate and enjoy the difference.
7. I resolve to expect less for me and expect more from me. I’m going to demand more of myself and less of others.  I understand it is the mature person who says and does the next right thing.  I’m going to be that person.

As we are now into new territory, I ask you to join me in leaving behind things that are over and done with: old hurts, betrayals, bitterness, regrets, old self-doubts; and to embrace the new world: a world of resolve, joy, generosity, and great adventure.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  In just a few days we’ll all gather around the table with our families and friends and give thanks for the blessings we’ve received and will continue to receive at the hands of a good and merciful God.

Oftentimes I think we fail to realize that there are a lot of benefits just in the act of being grateful itself.  It says an awful lot about those who extend their gratitude to God, to family, and to their friends.  Here are seven benefits I can think of right off the top of my head, of being grateful.

1. Being grateful shows. By that I mean it shows in your face.  You smile, you walk taller, you send the clue to people that “I’m open for business.”  People like to be around you because you’re a happy, fun person rather than a mad, sour cynical person.
2. Being grateful takes the focus off of you and puts it on the other person. Grateful people are always full of joy.  They are effervescent.  They bubble over and they are able to put the focus on the other person in the conversation.  Grateful people make other people feel good in their presence.
3. Being grateful reduces stress. Being grateful for your marriage, your family, and your children takes down the stress and worry that often not only destroys your joy and your life, but ultimately your body.  When you’re grateful, you can’t be hateful.
4. Being grateful attracts the right kind of people. Grateful people have kind of a radar that they send out and they attract other grateful people.  They repel people who want a pity party, who want to spread gossip and slander.  People with evil intent look for weak, sour, miserable people; not strong, grateful people.
5. Being grateful makes you a giver, not a taker. The fact that you have something to be grateful for, means you understand the law of the farm, sowing and reaping, of working hard and expecting a return; or the promise of The Scripture that says, “Give and it will be given unto you.”  You understand the law of reciprocity and you practice it.  And you reap the benefits of it.  So you constantly give.  And because you give and have been given, you are constantly planning and investing and giving in other people. As a matter of fact, all that you get, you see as more opportunity to give and invest.
6. Being grateful creates new ideas. It’s when you are grateful that you are the most creative and you think about the possibilities that can be created to solve the problems and meet the needs of the world.  It’s grateful people who write out of the overflow of their lives.  It’s grateful people who paint great paintings, who write great books, who compose great music.  It’s out of their generosity that the beauty of their art blesses those who experience it.
7. Being grateful builds strong reserves; not only financially and physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  Grateful people understand that even setbacks are temporary; that all you have to do is not sour, not settle, not stop, and generosity will continue to flow into your life.

So this Thanksgiving, stop and think about all the things for which you are grateful. Celebrate those things and understand that the benefits of gratitude will be yours all year long.

Have you ever said anything you regret out of pain or disappointment? Ever call someone a name you wish you could take back?  Ever made statements that are totally out of character with who you are?  Remember, words are important. They create worlds and they also destroy them.  They galvanize people together, and polarize them to be totally apart.  There are seven things I notice people saying too flippantly that can destroy a world, or at least harm and hurt. Here are the seven best things we say we never mean:

1. We never mean it when we say, “I’m done.” What we’re saying is, “I’m done for this moment.  I’m frustrated.  It’s like standing too close to a door.  You can’t open it.  You need to back away and get some emotional space to gather your thoughts and to reclaim your composure.  But too often, “I’m done” is interpreted as “I quit.”  And if you do that very often, people will call your bluff.
2. We never mean it when we say, “Whatever.” Whatever is simply a sign of frustration; the communication isn’t going the way you hoped it would; you don’t know exactly how to respond to a line of thinking.  It’s the inability to have an interior thought process that allows you to deal with the complex issue at hand.  “Whatever” is a statement of frustration but oftentimes people interpret it as a statement of arrogance and anger.
3. We never mean it when we say, “I can’t take this anymore.” This is an example of self-talk.  It’s talking ourselves into having a cold or being sick or out of a relationship.  You can take it.  You can take a whole lot more than you think you can.  It’s not over until you quit, sit down, and die.
4. We never mean it when we say, “You get on my nerves.” This is a verbal deflection technique.  Literally, no one can get on your nerves; stand on your nerves.  What we’re really saying is, “This conversation is irritating, this relationship is in misalignment.”  And what we need to do is talk, plainly, calmly, and deliberately about how we can fix the broken places.
5. We never mean it when we say, “It doesn’t bother me.” The person who says this to you is telling you it bothers them.  You need to probe a little deeper.  They are wounded and hurt.  And what you do in this moment will determine whether or not the relationship will become healthy or even continue at all.
6. We never mean it when we say, “I hate you.” Literally what we’re saying is the opposite.  “I love you, but I need to hear you say you love me back.”
7. We never mean it when we say, “I don’t care.” If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be in the relationship or having the conversation.  Usually when people say they don’t care, it’s evidence that they don’t feel heard or listened to.

These are the seven things I hear people say and know they don’t mean.  I have even said some of them and I didn’t mean them and was saying something else.  Be careful what you say. Listen to understand, speak to gain agreement, and act to earn trust.

In the wild, new world we live in today, we have to learn to connect to people in a whole new way.  Whether you’re in business, or even communicating with your family, there are amazing new tools available to get your message out, stay connected, and even connect to more, and more people.

Things like Facebook, Twitter, FriendFeed, blogs, and web sites all make the promise of leveling the playing field and making it cheaper than ever to get your message out.  But before you embrace these new technologies called social media, you need to bring a mind-set that is very different from the one we’ve just been through.

Social media requires a movement mind-set, not an institutional one.  Institutions are about gates, walls, and control.  Movements are dynamic.  They can’t be controlled.  They leak out and can’t be contained.  That’s what social media does.  So before you try to use it, here are seven essentials to the social media mindset.

1. Using social media is about connecting, not converting. We are trying to connect to people, not convert them to our way of thinking right off the bat.
2. Social media is about talking, not shouting. It’s about having a conversation, not preaching, pointing a finger, or condemning.
3. Social media is about creating, not copying. Copying other people’s content won’t get you very far.  You have to create your own.  And that content needs to be compelling, important, and significant.
4. Social media is about a bigger piece of the pie, not a smaller slice of a smaller pie. Social media gives you a brand new audience.  And that audience is not limited by space.  It’s anyone, anywhere, anytime. Rather than worrying about the shrinking slice of the business pie you focus on, think of a bigger world and new possibilities.
5. Social media is about giving to, not taking from. If people who visit your site, read your twitters, or engage you in Facebook think you are trying to sell something to them, or take something from them, they’ll soon be gone and never come back.  If you’re here to sell me something, I am not interested.  If you’re here to help me, to contribute, to add to my life, then I’m listening.
6. Social media is about building trust, not bullying compliance. You can’t make demands, threats, or requirements.  It’s about building trust over time, contributing to people’s lives, content that enriches, inspires, and motivates so that over time they’ll begin to listen to what you have to say.
7. Social media is about a long look, not a quick fix. If you’re trying to fix sliding attendance through social media, or you’re trying to bolster the bottom line by opening a face page, you’re going to be very disappointed.  All social media does is allow you to communicate to people faster and more directly than ever before.  It doesn’t make your content compelling or your cause worthy.  You have to do that.

It’s a brand new day as we advance in a new wireless, wall-less, worn-out world.  For those who are willing to embrace these new technologies and tools, it’s easier than ever to succeed in a worthy cause.  But if you’re simply trying to float a sinking boat, I’d go ahead and pull the plug and let her sink.

I like my wife.  That may seem like a silly pronouncement, but I know an awfully lot of people who are in love with people they don’t like.  Yeah, weird.

Not only do I love my wife, but I like her. I like her as a person.  I like being around her; not because I have to be, not because we are legally bound by a contract, but because she’s just the kind of person I’m attracted to.

So here are seven reasons why I like my wife.

1. I like my wife because she sees the best in me. That’s often hard to do because sometimes I am very difficult to get along with.  She can see past my self-doubts and my inabilities.  Instead of correcting me and scolding me and nagging me, she always highlights my good qualities.  She sees the best in me and I see that reflected in the way she speaks to me and treats me.
2. I like my wife because she tells me the truth. It’s not just the truth she tells me, she tells me in a way I can understand it.  She does as the Scriptures teach.  She speaks the truth in love.  She tells me the truth to help me, to be redemptive; not as an angry accusation of my failures.
3. I like my wife because she’s got my back. Of all the people in the world I totally trust, she’s on the top of the list. I absolutely trust her.  I know she would never do anything to betray my trust.  And I in turn want to guard that sacred honor.
4. I like my wife because she seeks to excel. We got married when we were 18 years old.  We came from a very average background.  But the one thing that has always been constant in our relationship is the desire to excel, to do the absolute very best we possibly can; not only as a reflection of our love for God, but our contribution that we make to humanity.
5. I like my wife because she gives me balance. She teaches me how to not just love my work, but to love my family; that there are no contradictions in that, that the tension between working hard and being home is a good thing.  And she helps me seek harmony between those two things.
6. I like my wife because she makes me want to come home. I’ve talked with hundreds of people, maybe more, over the years, who dread going home.  Home to a family that will nag them and condemn them and make home a living hell. My wife has always made our home a place to want to come home to.  Not only is it clean and neat, but it’s well-decorated.  It feels like us.  That makes me want to come home.  As a matter of fact, there is no other place on the whole planet I’d rather be.
7. I like my wife most of all because she has made Christianity believable. I was raised in church where religion and pretension seemed to be the only things that we specialized in.  When I met Paula, she made faith incarnational.  She was God with skin on.  She showed me what it was like to trust Jesus, why it was important.  She led me to faith and then nurtured me through my early years.  That’s a great gift, for which I will never be able to repay her.

These are the seven reasons why I like my wife.  I can mention a lot more.  The question in this Dave Rave is, why do you like your spouse? Or, why would you want to be married and what kind of person would you become if you married the person of your dreams, or even the person you’re dating right now?

Sometimes it’s just good to sit down and write, this is what I like about the person I’m married to or want to marry one day.

We live in a world reeking of complexity.  We add more and more things, more activities, and more options.  You can’t buy a pizza or even go to the grocery store without being overwhelmed by layer upon layer of complexity.

For people, organizations, and movements to be successful into the 21st Century, we’re going to have to learn the elegance of simplicity. Instead of trying to do everything, and have everything, and go everyplace, and experience everything, were going to learn how to simplify our lives.  As you have this discussion among your group about simplicity, here are seven advantages to talk about.  Simplicity gives you an advantage because:

1.    It will allow your message to get through. We’re told that we have over 4,000 advertisements that come across our eyes and ears every day.  We’re learning how to be sophisticated about filtering out messages that are too complex and difficult.  It’s the simple message that gets through.  You need to be able to give your company, movement, or personal mantra in four words or less, minus prepositions.  More than that and you just simply blend in and become static and white noise.

2.    It will keep you focused on a few things. Finding smaller markets and niches is the way of the future; focusing on being the best at a few things instead of mediocre at a lot of things.  The old days of when you could throw a bunch of things against the wall and hope that some of them would stick are long gone.  Simplicity allows you to figure out what you’re absolutely best at, what you’re passion and what your “must do” is, and focus on that.

3.    It will free up your time from having to write these big, thick, heavy manuals about policy and procedure. If you have big manuals that people have to spend months learning before they can really find traction at organization, your future is bleak.

4.    It will allow you the energy of not having to pay attention to 90% of the email, social media, and printed material that come across your desk. Be careful about how much time you spend distracted in handling emails and social media that has nothing to do with your vision and mission.

5.    It will let you know who’s with you. When you have a simple vision, a simple mission, and compelling mantra, it’s easy to know who’s on task and who isn’t; who’s with you and who’s not.  Those who argue about your stated vision and simple process are not with you.  And trying to convince them to be with you when they are on the company payroll is an effort in futility.

6.    It will allow you to create margin in your life and in your organization. Emotional, financial, and physical margin are critical during times of crisis.  You need to be able to have the energy to sprint as well as jog.  That requires margin.  Financial margin is also important because when markets turn, you need to have enough cash to stay in business until they turn again.  And they inevitably do.

7.    It will keep you from markets, products, and programs as a quick fix, rather than sticking with what you have a long-term passion for.

Not only am I a follower of Jesus Christ, I admire Him.  I admire His simplicity.  He had the power to take complex issues and make them simple; not simplistic, but simple.  Just because a thing is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it’s the place to start.