Author: The Gathering Nashville

This Weekend @ The Gathering: Work Essential; Job Optional

This weekend at The Gathering we’ll be continuing our series “They Promised me Chocolate” with installment number 8; dealing with disappointments that we face in our work life.

Work is one of those things that so many of us do without thinking about.  It’s like breathing or eating.  It’s just what we do.   We follow the path of least resistance or worse than that, we enter into a career path picked out for us by other people without understanding the importance of work.

This weekend we’re going to be talking about the proper perspectives of work and six reasons why it is God’s will that we work.  We somehow think that work is a curse from God on mankind.  But the truth is, work is a gift.

We’re going to be talking about the difference between career and calling; the difference between jobs and work.  Oftentimes we confuse a job with the work we’re supposed to do.  One is permanent.  The other is temporary. 

If you know someone who’s been laid off, lost their job, or making a transition, this would be a great weekend to bring them.  We’ll have a lot of good information to help them make great decisions as they choose a new career or calling.

Shame on Us for Celebrating the Fall of a Hero

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Tiger Woods issue.  I want to learn something from this just because it seems to happen all too often.  Our heroes fall and somehow we celebrate it.  But something inside of us is glad that there is this all too human side of Tiger Woods.  We like the condemnation and the tabloid exposure of the darker side of a man America has come to admire and celebrate.

Here is what I am feeling today: shame on us.  Shame on us for specializing in tearing people down or, at least, somehow being interested in the public disintegration of a husband, wife, and children, and so many others who surround this issue.  Here is my conclusion.  There is nothing inspiring about a man’s sins and imperfections being on display.

What we need in America are not more cautionary tales; exposures of how public people have gotten it wrong in their private life.  What we need is more exposure of those who are struggling to get it right on both sides of the equation.  There are so many who are getting it right.  They’re the ones who are inspiring me; the ones who against all odds, win in the public and private arena.  There are so many more of those than the Tiger Woods story.

I need to be inspired.  I fight each day against the gravitational pull toward the cynic’s chair.  I refuse to sit there.  I was created by a God who knew how flawed I would be, and yet loves me anyway; a God who forgives, redeems, and restores; a God who can pick a hero up and set him back on the right path.

Maybe Tiger will never be put back on the pedestal.  Maybe he should never have been up there in the first place.  I’m going to find my inspiration in those who are getting it right, not in cutting down and shaming those who are getting it wrong.  Again, there is nothing inspiring about celebrating, fixating, or condemning the imperfection of another person.

Today @ The Gathering: Parenting – Wimps Need Not Apply; How to Raise Super-Confident Kids in a Super-Cynical World

Today @ The Gathering we continued with installment number 7 in our current series, “They Promised Me Chocolate: The True Confessions of a Disappointed Christian.”

Remember we’ve been talking about getting honest about our disappointments. There is absolutely no way to go through life without facing them.  And if you really understand why God allows them, you can embrace them and move past the disappointment to delight.  But be careful.  Most people collect their disappointments and become cynical, sour, and angry as they get older.

But the opposite ought to be true.  The older we get, and the wiser we get, and the more we understand the concepts that make life worth living, the more we can embrace our disappointments and realize that they are simply pathways that push us on to a deeper relationship with God.  And what is that deep relationship characterized by?  Trust.  And when we trust God, we have confidence in God.  And confidence is really all we need; not certainty, not clarity; simple confidence that God will never let us down no matter what the circumstances may appear to be.

Today @ The Gathering we talked about parenting and the disappointments that come.  We talked about the four things that make parenting miserable.  Things like:

  1. Expecting that parenting would just come naturally.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
  2. Expecting kids to fix problems that are broken in you or in your marriage relationship.  Kids just complicate your relationship.  They don’t make it easier, or simpler. They can bring out the worst in you if you’re not careful.
  3. The idea that kids want your presents more than your presence. And as a result we raise kids who are experience rich and relationship poor.  You’re going to need to help your kids learn how to relate in a loving way with their families, their spouses, and their children; not to mention the people they work with.
  4. One of the things that makes us terrible and miserable as parents is the belief that having kids won’t change us. I’ve heard people say that.  It will change, but it can change for the better if you know how.

So we talked about the four absolute essentials in successful parenting.  Here they are:

  1. Successful parenting is done heart to heart. The greatest motivation for having children and raising children is love.  Heart to heart simply means that your kids know that you love them.  And love means that they can trust you.  Trust builds and develops confidence.  That’s exactly what your kids need and they get it from you; not their intelligence, not their test scores, not their friends, but from their parents.  Successful parenting is done heart to heart, expressing love at the core of every decision, every challenge, everyday.
  2. Successful parenting is done face to face, which means the greatest parenting currency you have is time.  The real issue in how many children you have is not how much money you make, but how much time you have to invest.  If you can only invest time for one child, don’t have two.  If you can only invest time for two children, don’t have three.  Money, trust me, is not the issue.
  3. Successful parenting is done word by word. The greatest parenting posture is that of a teacher.  You are your child’s greatest teacher whether you like it or not. Because children, like adults, learn by example; not theory, not rhetoric, not basic information, but by watching people implement the things that they teach us are important.
  4. Successful parenting is done day by day. This means that the greatest parenting asset is trust. If your children trust you, they’ll follow you, they’ll listen to you, and they’ll cooperate with you.  And as they trust you, you’ll be able to trust them.  And that ultimately becomes the joy of parenting.  Loving face to face, word by word, trusting relationships that grow into their adulthood, and their married lives.  And you get to be a part of that the rest of your life.

Yes, there are disappointments in parenting, but parenting is not that complicated, and you can do it because the Scriptures teach us that children are a reward from God.  They’re a gift.  And no gift that God gives is anything less than good.

Tomorrow @ The Gathering – Parenting: Wimps Need Not Apply

Tomorrow @ The Gathering we’re going to continue with our series, “They Promised Me Chocolate: The True Confessions of a Disappointed Christian,” by talking about parenting.

No place in human relationships can there be such a contrast to the idea of having kids.  On the one hand, it’s a dream, a desire, a passion.  And on the other hand it’s a lifelong responsibility that at times can feel like you’re living in the pit of hell.  Yeah, that’s true.  When our kids go wrong, no matter what happens in our lives, our lives go wrong right along with them.

So this weekend we’re going to talk about how to raise super-confident kids in a super-cynical world.  It is possible, but we’re going to have to understand what parenting is and what it isn’t.  We’re going to be talking about the four things that make parenting absolutely miserable.  We’re going to expose some of the myths we’ve bought into.  Things like:

  • If you just love your kids and take them to church, everything will be ok.
  • If you bring them into the world and support them financially, that’s all they really need.
  • Or the idea that kids want what you can buy them more than they want you.

It’s a tangled up mess when we approach parenting with these faulty ways of thinking.

But we’re going to spend the major part of our time talking about the four keys to parenting successfully.  I didn’t say without stress, work, or disappointments along the way.  These are four practices – habits – that are absolutely essential if you’re going to be able to raise your kids to adulthood.

Here is one of the questions I have for you.  If you have kids, or grandkids, have you set out some goals that you have in raising them? For me, I set 4 for my three daughters; four characteristics that I wanted to see in their lives as adults.  And I am happy to say that each one of them reflects them in spades.  What are they?  I’ll tell you Sunday.

Are You Ready for Christmas, or Are You Already Dreading It?

Christmas is here: the lights, the presents, the hustle and bustle, and everything that goes with it.  The question is, are you ready for another go-around?

If you’re already dreading it, here is some advice to make the most of this season ahead.

  1. Simplify. Don’t get so wrapped up in going to every party and meeting every deadline.  Streamline.  Instead of buying two gifts, buy one.
  2. Slow down.  There is absolutely no reason to go as fast as we do.  Walk to your car.  Sit, reflect, and enjoy a cup of coffee.
  3. Adjust. Adjust your attitude.  It’s a choice.  You don’t have to be mad, angry, or stressed.  You don’t have to worry about the economy or what the future holds, because you don’t know what it holds and you couldn’t control it even if you tried.  So do an attitude adjustment.  If you woke up today, you’re blessed.  Living one day above dirt is a blessing.  Life is a blessing, even though it gets difficult and tough.

So let’s enjoy this holiday season.  We all have losses and regrets.  Ask Tiger Woods.  We all have wins for which we can take very little credit, as well as losses that are out of our control.  So let’s let them go.  Let’s slow down, simplify, focus, be grateful, love people; even though they are difficult at times to love.

What Tiger Woods is Learning About The Brave New, Wireless, Wall-less, Worn-Out World

By now we all know that Tiger Woods is mired in a PR nightmare.  Something’s going on that he’s hiding; behind what, he’s not saying.  At least, that’s what we think.  Why?  Because Tiger Woods is failing to learn one thing that is true for everyone in this brave new, wireless, wall-less world.  And that’s the concept of transparency.

The Scriptures tell us to present before all people things that are honest and open.  That’s how we should live our entire lives.  With the Internet, social media, and instant communication, there is no distinction any longer between public, private, and personal (or at least not as much as there used to be).  And if you’re a public person you’ll understand very quickly that your private life can become public domain before you know it.

We may never know what’s going on, and maybe it’s none of our business.  Maybe there are things that should stay between Tiger, his wife, and whoever else is involved.  But the one thing Tiger is learning that we all need to learn is this: honesty, openness, and transparency are demanded of our influences these days.

No more deals in the background, no more hiding, and no more living double lives. Everything will ultimately come out in the open.  Everything you write is permanently on the Internet.  Everything you do, as Bud Adams, owner of the Tennessee Titans found out, can be recorded across the field on an iPhone video.  We’re always on stage.  And our lives should be lived so openly, honestly, and yes, even at times innocently that we would not be embarrassed in pubic by what we do in private

I know the sting of public scrutiny.  And here’s what I’ve learned: when you know it, tell it.  Be open and honest. Even if it stings at first, it will sting a lot less.  Where you’ve sinned and fallen, make a full confession.  Don’t call it a mistake; call it what it is – a sin.  You didn’t stumble; you made a choice.  Own up to it, do the right thing, ask for forgiveness and understanding, and I’ve found that people are amazingly gracious when you’re honest.

This isn’t just something Tiger is learning.  It’s something we all need to learn.

Today @ The Gathering: Why Most Married Men are Miserable

Today @ The Gathering we continued our current series, “They Promised Me Chocolate” with installment number 6, by dealing head-on with marriage and why so many men seem to be stuck in miserable or mildly tolerable marriages.

We dealt with the three downgrades we’re confronted with subtly,  every day in the images and commercials we consume in America.  These downgrades are:

  1. The downgrade that we see in gender differences. We’re constantly told, in commercials, by leaders, and by those with influence, that there is really no big difference between men and women. So we try to make men feminine and women masculine, instead of celebrating the best of what it means to be masculine and feminine.
  2. The downgrade that says marriage is an option. I believe without exception that marriage is essential for the well-being, not only of men and women but society, itself.  It’s how God put us together.  The Scriptures begin with a marriage and end with a marriage.  And everything in between, if it’s not directed at marriage and family, certainly it is directly about relationships that need reconciling and redeeming.
  3. The attempt to downgrade sexual exclusivity. In America marriage is recognized by our government as a civil contract.  And that contract has three basic parts: financial unity, next of kin, and sexual exclusivity.  Even in a culture where adultery and trading partners seem to be the norm, sexual exclusivity is still honored and respected particularly among the influential, and leaders.

Here are the 5 reasons, it seems to me, married men in America are miserable.

  1. They are afraid to be who they are. Raised in a culture that seem bent on portraying men as knuckle-dragging, beer-guzzling buffoons, it’s hard to understand what a real man should be.  Real men shoot things, drive fast and trade women as though they were a commodity.  But this is not real manhood.  It’s not fulfilling, and it’s certainly not God’s intention.  God created men to be men and as such be image-bearers of God, and for women to be women and as such image-bearers of God.
  2. They don’t know what they want. Raised in families where fathers are either absent or disengaged, they’ve never seen what a real man is like and how he is fulfilled in his marriage and family relationships.  So men are looking for something and they are not sure what it is.  They think it’s in an image of a beautiful woman, a nice house, and smiling children.  But really what it is, is respect and appreciation.  And wherever a man is given honor and respect, he’ll be happy and engaged.
  3. They don’t know what women want. If I’ve learned anything in life as a married man and a father of three girls, I know that women want to be chosen and cherished.  They want to be wowed, won, and wooed.  And when they are, they respond in kind.
  4. Men are ashamed about their sex-drive. The more ashamed they feel, the more they will submerge that need into dark practices such as pornography.
  5. Men are bored to death of being nice. They want to be dangerous; good, smart, and strong, but dangerous.  Assertive, aggressive, they are warriors; each man has a warrior’s heart looking for a battle worth fighting, for a love worth winning and for work worth doing.

Most Married Men Are Miserable And They Don’t Know Why

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I’m Thanking God for What I Didn’t Do

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I want to give a shout out to all my friends in Nashville and all around the country.  I’m thankful for you, your input, your support, your love, and just being a part of my life.

This Thanksgiving I am thanking God for a lot of things, but for some reason, the thing that dominates my mind is the gratitude to God for things I haven’t done.

Like, not leaving my wife all those times when we both were so frustrated with each other we didn’t know what to do.  We stayed committed to our commitment.  The covenant we made when we were 18 years old has held us together all these years.  And we’ve stayed together through the rough times and the stressful times, through the times when it would’ve been easier (at least in our minds) to walk away.  I want to thank God that we didn’t.  I thank God that we didn’t divorce.  I thank God that we didn’t turn our love and affection toward other people; that we kept our hearts true to each other and worked through our frustrations.

I also thank God that I didn’t quit three and a half years ago when I went through one of the darkest times of my life.  Thank God that I didn’t retreat into bitterness and anger, but allowed people to love me, carry me, and support me in a way that has overwhelmed me.

I thank God that I didn’t turn my back on the church; that I didn’t turn my back on good Christian people who live exactly what they say they believe, who will love you if you give them half a chance.

I thank God that I didn’t give up on joy.  It’s taken these years to really find the original joy expressed in having fun.  Yeah, fun is one of the greatest gifts God will ever give you.

I’ve learned how to put fun back in my work and my calling; how to put fun back in my relationships, and most of all, I’ve learned how to make my marriage fun again.

I love Paula.  I love being with her.  I love who I am and what I become when I am around her.  We have fun these days. Finally, after 37 years of marriage, we have fun.  We have fun doing our work, we have fun loving our kids, we have fun just being human, being here, and being happy.

So this year I am thanking God for the things I didn’t do. Sometimes the things you don’t do, the temptations you don’t give into, or the urges you don’t follow, grow into your greatest blessing.  I love you guys.  Happy Thanksgiving!  Better days are ahead; better than you can imagine, and more fun than a human ought to be having.

Dave Rave – 7 Benefits of Being Grateful

daveraveHappy Thanksgiving to everyone.  In just a few days we’ll all gather around the table with our families and friends and give thanks for the blessings we’ve received and will continue to receive at the hands of a good and merciful God.

Oftentimes I think we fail to realize that there are a lot of benefits just in the act of being grateful itself.  It says an awful lot about those who extend their gratitude to God, to family, and to their friends.  Here are seven benefits I can think of right off the top of my head, of being grateful.

  1. Being grateful shows. By that I mean it shows in your face.  You smile, you walk taller, you send the clue to people that “I’m open for business.”  People like to be around you because you’re a happy, fun person rather than a mad, sour cynical person.
  2. Being grateful takes the focus off of you and puts it on the other person. Grateful people are always full of joy.  They are effervescent.  They bubble over and they are able to put the focus on the other person in the conversation.  Grateful people make other people feel good in their presence.
  3. Being grateful reduces stress. Being grateful for your marriage, your family, and your children takes down the stress and worry that often not only destroys your joy and your life, but ultimately your body.  When you’re grateful, you can’t be hateful.
  4. Being grateful attracts the right kind of people. Grateful people have kind of a radar that they send out and they attract other grateful people.  They repel people who want a pity party, who want to spread gossip and slander.  People with evil intent look for weak, sour, miserable people; not strong, grateful people.
  5. Being grateful makes you a giver, not a taker. The fact that you have something to be grateful for, means you understand the law of the farm, sowing and reaping, of working hard and expecting a return; or the promise of The Scripture that says, “Give and it will be given unto you.”  You understand the law of reciprocity and you practice it.  And you reap the benefits of it.  So you constantly give.  And because you give and have been given, you are constantly planning and investing and giving in other people. As a matter of fact, all that you get, you see as more opportunity to give and invest.
  6. Being grateful creates new ideas. It’s when you are grateful that you are the most creative and you think about the possibilities that can be created to solve the problems and meet the needs of the world.  It’s grateful people who write out of the overflow of their lives.  It’s grateful people who paint great paintings, who write great books, who compose great music.  It’s out of their generosity that the beauty of their art blesses those who experience it.
  7. Being grateful builds strong reserves; not only financially and physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  Grateful people understand that even setbacks are temporary; that all you have to do is not sour, not settle, not stop, and generosity will continue to flow into your life.

So this Thanksgiving, stop and think about all the things for which you are grateful. Celebrate those things and understand that the benefits of gratitude will be yours all year long.

This Weekend @ The Gathering: I’m Not Crazy, But I Am a Carrier (why smart people do dumb things)

Today we continued our series, “They Promised Me Chocolate: The True Confessions of a Disappointed Christian,” with installment number five, “I’m Not Crazy, but I Am a Carrier.

Oftentimes we become our own worst enemy.  We like to blame it on culture, our parents, or the people we work with.  But the truth of the matter is, we have enough weirdness residing in our own soul, to wound ourselves for the rest of our lives.  We talked about five self-inflicted wounds:

  1. The wounds we inflict upon ourselves by the words we speak in anger.
  2. The wounds we inflict upon ourselves by the shortcuts we take, and the pain it causes when we get exposed.  Remember there is no shortcut to anyplace worth going.
  3. The wounds we inflict upon ourselves by the lies we spread, by the gossip that we encourage and ultimately comes back to bite us.
  4. The wounds we inflict upon ourselves by the promises we make and break over and over again so that we wind up with no one close to us and few who trust us.
  5. The wounds we inflict upon ourselves by the jealousies we justify through self-talk that robs us of our joy, our freedom, and our future.

In order to deal with these self-inflicted wounds, we form some coping mechanisms:

  1. We withdraw and retreat. We stay away from people because we don’t want them to see how we look and maybe figure out how we feel.  We feel ashamed and humiliated so we stay away from people.  We sit on the couch, eat, and feel worse about ourselves.  And over time this becomes a cycle.
  2. We turn inward and entertain dark thoughts.  When all you think are your own thoughts, the doubts and accusations in your brain can help you justify almost any behavior.
  3. We end up living shame-bound and bitter, which is the very opposite of trust.

Remember we’ve said that God uses disappointment to push us past our current state to a place of delight.  Delight in my life is in direct proportion to my ability to trust God. And the way of trust is expressed in the three never, never’s.  We never sour, never settle, and never stop.

In order to combat our own weirdness and shame-bound nature, we heard three suggestions on how to get out of our own way in life:

  1. Make a habit of thinking B.I.G. – beyond the immediate to the goal.  This means I’m not into immediate gratification.  I’m into long-term success.
  2. Make it a habit to do the details. It’s the little foxes that spoil the vines, The Scriptures tell me.
  3. Make it a habit to lean hard. No matter how smart I am, I’ll come upon situations I can’t explain; not by religious formulas or earthly wisdom.  This means I must trust God.  I must lean on Him with all my heart and understanding.
  4. Make it a habit of traveling light, which means there are burdens I need to lay down and not carry with me anymore.  If you’ve not been forgiven, seek God’s forgiveness and once you have it, lay it down.  If you need to be forgiven by people in your life, ask for it, and once they extend it, lay the burden down.  Don’t carry anymore than you absolutely have to.

Next week we’ll be talking about why most married men are miserable.

What Bud Adams Has Learned He Can’t Do Even Though He Owns An NFL Franchise and is a Billionaire

When I went to the football game Sunday to watch the Titans play the Buffalo Bills, I had no idea that the owner of my favorite NFL franchise would be giving me the finger:  yeah, literally; not just me, but everyone else in the stadium.  I saw him do it right across the way in his box.  I was overwhelmed, stupefied.  What was he thinking?  Bottom line is, he wasn’t thinking!

So that leaves me to two points on my blog today.

  1. You’re only one dumb decision away from having to pay a $250,000 fine for giving your fans the finger! Ouch!
  2. Bud Adams learned something about ownership that all the rest of us better know and that is, when you own something you still don’t have the right to do whatever you please, whenever you please, however you please!

Everything; every company, every organization, both profit and non-profit, is held in the public trust. Which basically means that you depend on other people’s good will to survive. Even Bud Adams, the owner and originator of Pro Football has learned that he cannot, with impunity behave in any way he may choose – even if it is emotional, even if it is regretful.

So remember this.  Wherever you work, whatever you do, profit/nonprofit, publicly held, or mom-and-pop business: it is what we think about you, how you serve us, how you make a difference, how you complete something in our lives that will determine whether you will succeed. And in the process of asking us to help you be successful in your product or service, be polite.  Don’t give us the finger.